I'm a lunatic who has some serious food hang-ups. I work in an office with people who seem to love food and eating at their desks, feet from me. For any and all in this situation, I present an open letter.

Dear Co-worker:

Cooking broccoli and cauliflower in the office microwave is unacceptable. This is not a large office, and these veggies stink up the place all to hell. Cook them before you leave the house, or select less offensive vegetables, like carrots and peas.

Please don't eat nuts and pretzels all day long and then complain you are getting fat. This is particularly offensive, because you are like 5' 10" and weigh maybe 120 lbs.

Please don't look down your nose if I bring in a microwaveable frozen lunch thing. I don't happen to eat nuts and broccoli all day long, nor do I always feel like making a sandwich every morning, so these frozen pasta things are ideal for my lunch when I'm feeling lazy. It's just lunch. Not world peace. Leave me alone if I want to half-ass it.

The most annoying foods in the world are: raw carrots, pretzels, nuts, and crackers. You seem to snack on all of them all day, every day. If you must chomp on these foods every day, all day, ten feet from my desk, please chew with you mouth shut. Even if you think it's cute to crunch food, trust me, it's not.

Please don't eat my food. If you want some peanut butter, or a piece of bread, by all means ask me and I will tell you to help yourself. But I don't want to open up MY jar of PB that I thought was full to find it is nearly empty. Those things cost like $6, for crying out loud.

Unless you lived in my womb for nine months and subsequently came out of my private parts, don't expect me to do your dishes for you. You can do them yourself*, and you can also put them away after.

* Note: piling up your dirty dishes at your desk is not good enough. Crusty old pasta or cereal is gross. It attracts bugs, it stinks, and when you have ten bowls at your desk, guess what? There aren't any left for ME to use.

Can you please throw out your food when it starts to rot in the fridge? Again, I'm not your mother, and since you will probably leave the gross old Tupperware that contained your uneaten soup for me to clean, please throw away the soup before it gets absolutely disgusting.

Snacking is not an acceptable reason to never pick up the phone. I'm sick of picking up the phone all the time just to find out it's one of your many boyfriends. You snack all day long, anyway. Swallow, and pick up the phone.

Thank you.